"Lee" Comes to Portland, Part 2

*If you haven't read the blogs before this, scroll down and start with "Adventures in Dating, Part 2," then go to ""Lee" Comes to Portland, Part 1."*

Trepidation, nerves, and Allee woke me up much earlier than I was ready for on Saturday morning, so I was already awake (but still in bed) when "Lee" texted me AT 8:00 IN THE FREAKING MORNING. Seriously? On Saturday? I mean, I know the point is to hang out with me, but can't we get a slightly later start to the day? So I did what any self-respecting person would do...I ignored it. (That might make me a jerk...but I just couldn't face SIXTEEN HOURS OF AWKWARD, and I knew that's what I was up against if I texted him back right away.)

I took my time taking a shower and got mostly ready, then texted him and told him I'd pick him up around 10:15ish. It was POURING rain (welcome to Portland!), which is what the forecast had called for the whole weekend, and he had said the night before that he'd checked the weather and knew it was supposed to rain the whole time he was there. Consequently, I was a little surprised when I picked him up and he was wearing jeans and a cotton hoodie. I mean, really? What about "rain all weekend" made you think "cotton hoodie" instead of "waterproof rain coat"? So doing anything outside was definitely out.

We drove downtown to my favorite brunch place, an adorable creperie in a cute old house, and snagged the only open table. I put my raincoat on the chair to save it and turned around when I heard people calling my name. Don't worry, we happened to have chosen the table right next to FOUR of my good guy friends. AWESOME. They all jumped up and hugged me and said hello, so I had to introduce them to "Lee." They were all super polite (LOVE them!) even while giving me the "who the heck is this guy?" look, and we went to order. I again ended up paying, and we went to sit down. "Lee" didn't even know what crepes were, so it was an experience for him, I think. Side note: how can you be 29 years old and not even know what a crepe IS? I mean, really? I guess he DID grow up in Wyoming. :)

We finished another awkward meal (where this time he barely talked to me at all), and then headed out. I asked him if there was anything he really wanted to do, as most of the "Portland-y" things are kind of outside (and he wasn't exactly dressed for the weather). After thinking about it for a minute, he said he wanted to go ice skating. ICE SKATING??? WHERE THE HECK DID THAT COME FROM?!? Luckily there is an indoor, year-round ice rink in the downtown mall, so we headed that way. We got there just after free skate started (good timing), and this time he paid (finally! By the way...I'm not saying the guy should always pay, but once in awhile, you know? Especially if you're trying to make a good impression). While we were lacing up our skates another of my guy friends from college called AND texted asking me to go to a movie (I didn't answer, I got the messages later. But SHEESH! Why did this have to be the day that practically every male I know got ahold of me? And later that day Erik texted me asking me to give my mom a hug for him while she was in town. When it rains, it pours!). As I honestly haven't been ice skating in like 7 years, my feet were KILLING me on those skates. So I kept taking breaks, and then the zamboni came on the ice, so in total, we probably spent a grand total of about 30 minutes skating. I thought we would stay later after the zamboni finished, but we literally skated for like 5 minutes before he said, "Okay, one more round, then we can go?" Ummmm....okay? Not like we have anywhere else we need to be, and my feet are finally getting used to the skates. Oh well.

Okay, to be fair, I think he was trying to think of something to do that might be "romantic." That would make sense, right? I mean, don't most people hold hands while they're ice skating? But the guy never even tried to hold my hand. Not once. So the other reason I could think of was maybe he was really good and wanted to show off a little and impress me? Nope. He wasn't any better than me, and like I said, hadn't gone in at least 7 years. So still baffled by the choice of ice skating.

So that night was my sister's birthday party, and I had told him in advance we would be going to it. I also mentioned to him that my mom would be in town and she'd be at the party. I was making Amy's cake and I needed to finish frosting it, so I'd told him we needed to run to the store and go back to my apartment before we could head over to her house. We got back to my place and I told him he could watch TV, so he sat down and watched football and kind of played with Allee (he was better) while I whipped cream by hand. Have you ever whipped cream by hand? I can't really say I'd recommend it! It takes like 20-30 minutes of constant, hard whipping to turn it into whipped cream frosting. Holy exhausting, Batman.

I finally finished the cake around the time the football game ended, but we still had like 45 minutes before we needed to leave. There was literally nothing on tv, so we turned on "Deadliest Catch" and watched that until it was time to go. Nice date, eh?

Stay tuned for Part 3 to find out what happened at the party...

"Lee" Comes to Portland, Part 1

*If you haven't read the blog before this, scroll down and read it first.*

I admit I wasn't really that nervous...or that excited. I mean, he was nice enough. We had plenty to talk about on the phone. But truth be told, I just hadn't really felt that special connection. I thought maybe it would be different in person, so I'd give it a go. I should have trusted my instincts. I should add here that I had seen photos of him and thought he was "okay," but not really that attractive...seeing him in person proved that was yet another place I should have followed my instincts.

"Lee" arrived in Portland on a Friday at about 4:00 PM...which was about 20 minutes earlier than he was supposed to arrive, which meant it was about ten minutes before I arrived to pick him up. Oops. Off to a great start. I asked him if he wanted to get settled in his hotel (it was his idea to stay in a hotel, although that was going to be a condition of the visit...I'm sorry strange man I've never met, no, you may not sleep in my apartment where I am also sleeping!) or go get something to eat first. He chose hotel--which was on the COMPLETE opposite side of town IN FRIDAY RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC--but we went for it. We finally got there and he got all checked in. We headed up to his room, where I thought he'd want to get settled a little. Apparently I was wrong. He literally dropped his bags inside the door and turned around and came right back out. Awkward, much?

So I decided to head to a restaurant on the other side of town at my sister's suggestion. It's a cool place with lots of fun atmosphere and things to look at, and I thought it might be fun. By the time we got there, it was about 6:30--keep in mind it was a Friday night--so the host told us it would be probably a 15-20 minute wait. No biggie. I have no idea how long we actually waited, but I will tell you that it was too long for "Lee." He was none too impressed. We were finally seated at an outside table (it was a GORGEOUS evening) and we ordered food and chatted. This was when I really started getting my first inclination of how this was going to go.

"Lee" would scarcely look me in the eye. He talked just a little too loud, just enough to make it seriously awkward. There were long gaps in the conversation where he just wouldn't say anything. And he kept checking his iPhone. Ummm...really? That's the first impression you're trying to make? So dinner was good, conversation was awkward, and I paid that night (to his credit, he offered, but I beat him to it. I figured it was the least I could do, since he bought plane tickets and was staying for three nights in a hotel...yeah, did I mention he bought his return ticket for MONDAY MORNING???!!!???).

By the time we finished, it was about 8:45. Knowing it was an hour later in his time zone and that traveling really wears me out, I asked him if he wanted to do something or if he wanted me to take him back to his hotel. He said he wanted to go to my apartment and play with my puppy. I'm not sure I would ask a girl to go to her place the first night, but again, I'm a traditionalist... So we headed to my apartment.

Allee was her sweet, rambunctious, loving self. She is still every bit puppy, although she settles down nicely now. So she greeted him with jumping and licking (she only weighs 20 lbs...no big deal) and loved on him like crazy. To his credit, "Lee" had told me he used to be really afraid of dogs and had never had pets growing up, so I knew he wasn't used to "puppy" behavior. But Allee was actually being really super good...yet after the first few minutes, every time she came over to him, he shoved her away. Not a good way to make a good first impression--on me OR her--buddy. He then proceeded to literally SHOW ME EVERY SINGLE PHOTO ON HIS iPHONE. Ummm, seriously? No girl needs to see 300 photos of your nephews...particularly not on the first night. One or two, sure. But 300? No thanks.

I kept asking him if he was tired and to let me know if he wanted to go back to the hotel. Note to guys: if you are at a girl's house and she asks you if you're ready to go, the not-so-subtle meaning behind that is that SHE is ready for you to go. Especially if she asks you more than once. Might be time to take the hint. Just saying. Truthfully, I was exhausted and I needed to make a game plan for the rest of the weekend. And I could only take so many hours of awkward conversation in a row. Finally around 11:45, he asked me to take him back.

I dropped him off at the hotel and told him to sleep in and text me when he was up and about. We said a quick goodnight and I headed back to my apartment.

Stay tuned for "Lee" Comes to Portland, Part 2.

Adventures in Dating, Part 2

I have "officially" been single now for a year (although the reality of the ensuing ten months or so made feeling and/or adjusting to being "single" rather difficult...so no matter what anyone says, even though it's been a whole year, sometimes it still feels pretty fresh, and in the grand scheme, a year is really like a few minutes). I have really needed to do this at my own pace (seven years is a long time to invest in someone to just shrug it off). I know continuing on with my life is important, and I've really been trying. And I know part of that includes dating. But let's be honest: it is really, really hard to meet people once you're out of college, and (confirmed by many other single friends) it's especially hard in Portland (maybe big cities in general? Which seems kind of backwards...). So I've tried to go into this whole "dating again" thing with the mindset that I'm willing to try just about anything for a little while, just to give it a shot.

I am a traditional girl. I want to meet my knight in shining armor in a traditional way (you know, at church/school/work/volunteering/retreat/etc), but in today's world, I also know it's not necessarily going to be the way it happens. So I'm open. Or really, really trying to be, anyway. Lots and lots of friends and family members have encouraged me to try online dating. I don't at all love the idea, but as one friend (who tried it for awhile) said, "it might help get the awkward out." Fair enough. So over the summer, feeling lonely and bored, and against my better judgment, I tried it out. To be fair, I know it works for some people. I have quite a few friends now who are happily married after meeting Mr. or Ms. Right online and emailing their significant other for awhile and going through the process. I guess it's the traditional part of me...it's just hard to get over. Nevertheless...

I met a few decent guys (you have to weed out the total weirdos...eek!), but hardly any in the Portland area. I started talking to one guy, who we'll call "Lee" for the sake of anonymity, around the end of June. We emailed back and forth maybe half a dozen or so times, and then he sent me his phone number. I sent him mine, too, and he called me. We hit it off okay on the phone. He seemed really nice, he definitely liked talking to me, he didn't seem creepy, so I figured it wasn't any big deal to get to know him a little better. "Lee" is not from Portland; in fact, he lives in a town where one of my best friends lives, but it's not anywhere nearby. "Lee" started calling me just about everyday and wanted to talk for an hour or two each time. If you know me well at all, you know I don't really love to talk on the phone in the first place (unless you're one of my really close friends, family, or I'm on a long, boring road trip by myself), and I'm a pretty busy person, so there were plenty of nights when I couldn't answer his phone calls. Anyway, mid-August he started hinting that he would like to come to Portland to visit. Ohhhhh, geez...

So I put him off for a week or two, but every time we talked he mentioned it. I had sort of figured if we really hit it off, maybe eventually I could go visit my best friend, see some other college friends who also lived there, and maybe he could take me out to dinner or something, but he was having none of that. He wanted to come to Portland. I made quite sure to never encourage it, but eventually he pinned me down to a weekend he would be in town, and next thing I knew, there was an email in my inbox with a flight itinerary...followed a few days later by another email with MY MOM'S flight itinerary FOR THE SAME WEEKEND.

Stay tuned for the next installment..."Lee" comes to Portland....

Pencil People

I was helping with a middle school after-school program a few weeks ago for one of my co-workers, and she had me make pencil people with her kiddos. She said she did them this summer with kids as young as 4-5, and I thought they were super cute, so I should share the idea with you.

Supplies:

Embroidery floss in different colors (or yarn)

Fun pencils

Pencil grips in different colors

Craft wire in different colors

Beads in different colors

Wooden ball/bead for head (must have a hole through it)

Markers

Directions:

1. Hair: cut as much embroidery floss in whatever color(s) you're going to want for hair. Basically, you want to make a bunch of it, so you can fold it back and forth in half or just gather it together or whatever.

2. Cut a piece of craft wire about a foot-ish long. Find the center of the wire (or close to it) and fold it over the center of your hair bundle. Twist it a couple times to secure it.

3. Put both ends of the wire together and thread them through the bead. Now the hair is on top of the head.

4. This is the trickiest part: Taking each wire end, thread it through the center of the soft pencil grip, and poke it through about halfway down, one on each side. These will hold the head onto the body and will become the arms.

5. Put a few beads on each wire. When the "arms" are long enough, you can twist it around to secure the beads and clip the end off.

6. Slide the whole contraption onto the eraser end of the pencil.

7. Use the markers to draw the face, add any finishing touches, and voila! Pencil person. :)

You can be as creative as you want with these. :) Have fun!

The kids decided to try to make Disney characters--one of the boys made this outstanding version of Ariel. :)

Smoky Stuffed Peppers

My sister and I, on our domestic goddesses day a few weeks ago, went to the Farmer's Market and picked up a stack of recipes. We tried one that night for our delicious gourmet dinner, and I thought I should share with you--it was super easy and soooooo good! :) So here we go:

3 large green or yellow bell peppers, tops cut off, seeds and ribs removed.

4 oz. hot Italian turkey sausage, removed from casing (we used basil turkey sausage)

3/4 cup reduced sodium chicken broth

1 large plum tomato, chopped

2/3 cup cooked brown rice

1/3 cup chopped fresh basil

1/3 cup finely shredded smoked cheese (mozzarella, cheddar, or gouda)

Position rack in upper portion of the oven and pre-heat broiler.

Place peppers, cut side down in a large, microwave dish. Fill the dish with 1/2 inch water. Cover and microwave on high until the peppers are tender-crisp, 7-10 min. Place peppers cut-side up in a roasting pan.

Meanwhile, cook sausage in a large saucepan over medium-high heat, breaking it up into small pieces with a wooden spoon, until cooked through, about 5 min. Stir in broth, tomato, and rice; bring to a simmer, scraping up any browned bits. Cover, reduce heat to medium-low and simmer until the rice is softened but still moist, about 10 minutes.

Stir basil and half the cheese into the rice mixture.

Divide the filling between the peppers, then top with the remaining cheese. Broil until the cheese is melted, 2-3 minutes.

That's it. They are easy and super delicious! :) Enjoy!

Adventures in Dating (Part 1)

Back in the days before I had a blog, I went on the worst date of my life. (I know, I know, you must be thinking "how could she have possibly had a date that was worse than the one her last post told about?" but, don't you worry, I have.) Let me share (my thoughts and my tips for guys will be in italics):

The year after I finished grad school, I worked as an AmeriCorps volunteer for a year. As part of that experience, I did direct service as a Disaster Relief Volunteer for the Red Cross. Most Disaster volunteers are older, often retired folks, and I was definitely the youngest in my trainings and at our meetings. This, in many ways, made me the darling of the group (whether I wanted that or not). There was one guy who was younger, a student at Eastern Washington University, who was student teaching that year at a local high school. He was kind of nerdy, but pretty nice. He gave me a ride home from a training one day, usually sat by me at meetings and classes, and I could tell it was just a matter of time until he asked me out.

One day, the inevitable happened. He asked me to go on a date, and I agreed. I was pretty busy, so it ended up working out that we could go out on a Sunday. He came and picked me up around 1:00 PM, and asked me what I wanted to do.

*Note to the gentlemen of the world: This was problem #1. I mean, seriously? If you ask a girl on a date, have a plan. Don't ask her what she wants to do, especially if it's a first date.

Finally he decided he wanted to go for a little Sunday afternoon hike. Did I mention it was December? In Spokane? Not exactly prime hiking weather. Luckily I had on my winter coat and decent shoes and jeans, so I decided it was okay. He drove me up to Riverside State Park to go on a little hike he thought would be fun.

Tip: if you don't want to freak a girl out, it's probably a good idea NOT to take her in your jeep up TO A SECLUDED LOCATION IN THE WOODS BY THE RIVER!!! Seriously, have you never seen a horror movie? This scenario NEVER ends well.

We started hiking, and he told me it was about a mile down to the river. The path was SUPER narrow, so the only way to walk was single file. Ummm...how was this a good idea? This is where it started to go downhill. He walked behind me (ummm...kind of creepy! And guys...in my humble opinion, leading the way is a good idea. That way if we happen upon a bear or a serial killer or bigfoot or the boogeyman, you get to show me what a man you are when you are trying to protect me) and we started the interrogation.

As we walked he asked question after question after question, rapid fire, never giving me a chance to try to turn it into a mutual conversation. Now, I'm not saying questions are a bad thing--they can be very useful in sparking a conversation. But there is a big difference between a conversation and an interview/interrogation. And it's not that fine a line. Figure it out. Finally we made it down to the river. We hung out there for a just a couple minutes before he said, "Well, let's head back." Ummmm...already? Okay...

The hike back to the car was more of the same, so I was pretty relieved when we arrived back at the car. I thought, "Okay, well, that was fun...ish...so by the time we get back to my house we will have been hanging out for a couple hours, so that'll be the date." Ohhhhhhh, but I was sorely mistaken.

Tip: Most dates are a one activity situation. If you go for a hike and it's not around a mealtime, that is good enough. The only other activity that should be combined with another would be a meal. For example, if it had been dinnertime, we could have gone for a hike/dinner, or a hike/hot chocolate.

We got back in his jeep and started driving. It didn't take me that long to figure out that he wasn't headed back to my apartment, he was headed downtown. I sat there, dying, wanting to just go home, and trying to figure out where the heck we were going. We got to downtown Spokane and he got progressively more frustrated as he tried to find parking. (Random question: why do guys always get SO frustrated when they're having trouble finding parking?)

Finally we parked and he got out of the car and headed toward...the ice skating arena. My heart sank. Are you serious? Ice skating is a multi-hour activity, and we've already done a multi-hour activity. I DO NOT FREAKING WANT TO GO ICE SKATING, I WANT TO GO HOME! I am far too nice a girl to ever say something like that, but you better believe I was thinking it. And don't get me wrong--I like ice skating just fine, but it should be the major portion of the date, not Part 2 of an already long date. We walked over and (thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouJesus!!!) found out free skating was ending in 15 minutes (PHEW!!!). Again I thought, "Okay, now maybe he'll take me home." Ohhhhh, but again I was mistaken.

We kept hearing this loud music, and I asked where it was coming from. We kept walking and discovered it was the Carousel. This is a Spokane landmark, and something I hadn't done yet, and I told him so. So, of course, he went over and bought tickets. Of course, I was thinking, "Okay, sweet, this can be part 2, short and sweet, THEN he'll take me home." Hahaha. RIGHT.

We went on the Carousel, and it was a lot of fun. Then he said, "Let's go for a walk." So, if you're keeping track, by now it's like 5:00, in December, and it's not only freezing, but getting dark. In Spokane, there's a trail that runs along the river (read: COLD), and it's perfectly lovely during the day, but not the safest after dark...that's where we were walking. Again...guys...figure it out. So, being the way too polite girl, I agreed...and the interrogation resumed. And they weren't like normal, get-to-know-you kinds of questions. They were like, "So, what was the worst thing you ever did as a child that you wouldn't want anyone to know about?" Ummm...so why would I tell you?? It was really weird. We walked for probably close to an hour and finally headed back. He said, "Are you hungry?" I told him I was okay, and he said, "Well, are you freezing? Do you want to go get hot chocolate or something?" I again politely thanked him and told him I was okay...all hoping to just end the date and go home.

We finally got back to the car...and he started driving in the opposite direction of my apartment. We got up onto the South Hill, and he said, "Well, I don't know if you're hungry, but I am!" And he pulled into the parking lot of a strange little German-ish restaurant. Seriously? Are you freaking serious? If you already asked the girl if she wants food or drinks and she says no, not once but TWICE, it's probably not the best idea to kidnap her and take her to get food anyway. At this point I was seriously asking myself how long it would take to walk home. We went inside and ordered hot chocolates, and I hoped that we could just drink our hot chocolates and head out. No, no, of course not. He proceeded to order a huge German dinner...so I ordered a bowl of soup, just so it wouldn't be awkward to sit and watch him eat.

I ate as slowly as I could and waited for him to finish. Finally he did, and we got up to go pay at the register. He looked at me and said, "You can go first." Okay, are you kidding? I am as independent as they come, but c'mon dude...when you ask a girl out (and you've had her kidnapped for going on SEVEN hours), AT LEAST OFFER TO PAY FOR HER FREAKING FOOD! I mean, it's not like I ordered steak and lobster! It's a freaking bowl of soup and a hot chocolate--that's like $5. I couldn't even believe it. So I paid my tab and waited for him to pay his and we headed back out to the jeep.

As he headed back down the hill, I was praying he would finally take me home when he said, "Well, I'm starting to get the feeling that you're ready to go home, so I think I'll just take you back to your apartment now if that's alright." Wait...you're STARTING TO GET THE FEELING? It has been SEVEN FREAKING HOURS. And it's been like FOUR FREAKING DATES IN ONE!! This is like the longest first date in the history of the world! I've been ready to go home for at least five or six of those hours!!! Have I not been desperately trying to send you those vibes for HOURS now???? HOLY CROW. True to form, though, I answered, "Yeah, I should probably get back...I have some things I need to do tonight before I go to church."

So finally, after seven hours, he dropped me off at my apartment. I thanked him quickly, hopped out of the jeep, and ran up the stairs to my apartment. So there is the story of my epically long, interrogation-filled, awful date. I thought it was my worst date ever...but it may have recently moved into second place...

Part 2 still to come...

*Note: this was NOT the last time I heard from this guy. He called me several more times, and "unfortunately" I was always busy and couldn't go out with him. He was a nice guy, but I really just couldn't do that to myself again...especially when my feelings were PURELY platonic. Oh well. After his student teaching semester ended, he got busy and had to stop volunteering, so it wasn't really a big deal anyway.

A Few Hints For the Gentlemen of the World...

I went on a date this weekend. (*gasp* Are you shocked? I kinda am!) I mean, I guess it was a date in that a guy asked me to go to coffee with him and I accepted. I don't know him very well, and even though I wasn't really feeling it with him based on what I did know, I was fairly certain he wasn't a serial killer or anything, and we were meeting at a coffee shop in a public place, so I figured I'd at least make it out alive and I agreed to go. He was nice enough, but I want to share a few pieces of advice I would give him (the italicized words were, more or less, the thoughts running through my head):

1. Might I recommend doing your homework when you pick a place to ask a girl to meet you? I mean, as much fun as it was to sit outside on the busy street corner with all the traffic whizzing by and the high-pitched shrieking sound coming out of the stoplight roughly every three minutes, next time it might be a good idea to check the website and make sure the Starbucks you want to go to actually has seating and isn't a drive-through only. Just sayin'. (Thank goodness the weather was nice!)

2. Complaining incessantly throughout the entire date about the location YOU chose is probably not a good way to make sure we're both having a good time. Okay, I get that the noise from the stoplight is obnoxious, but really? I don't think it's actually piercing into your brain like you've now told me three times.

3. It's kind of awkward if you invite someone to a coffee shop, you show up and don't actually get anything. Thank goodness I got there early and bought my own drink!

4. It's possible that, if you want to make a good impression, the first thing out of your mouth shouldn't be something along the lines of: "You don't seem like someone who's going to like cut off my head and put it in your freezer or something." Sweet. Glad that's not the first thing that comes to mind when you look at me. (WHAT?)

5. And that comment probably shouldn't be followed up with: "Well, I mean, you don't like collect men's hands or anything, right? You're not going to cut off my hand and take it home for your collection? I mean, I do have very delicate hands..." (Again...WHAT?!?)

6. When you don't know a girl very well and you're on a first date with her, knowing she has a Master's degree (for crying out loud), it's probably best not to say: "So, obviously you're finished with school and stuff, so what are your goals now--to just be barefoot and pregnant?" (Ummm...seriously???)

7. The girl with the Master's degree probably isn't going to be very impressed when you tell her that your family places no value on education and your mom told you it was a waste of time and money when YOU decided to get a Master's degree. If she thinks that about her own kid...

8. Generally speaking, it's bad form to say to someone, "I don't even want to ask how much you have in student loans. My dad paid for all my school, but I wouldn't have gone if I had to go into debt for it." So, clearly NOT just your parents who place high value on education, huh? And by the way, I wouldn't take back one second of my college experience, student loans or not. Schmuck.

9. If you don't know someone very well, you probably shouldn't say things like, "I really hate those gay motorcycle riders who think they're so cool they have to take the mufflers off their motorcycles." There are a lot of things wrong with that statement, the most glaring thing being the offensive use of the word "gay." Ummm...you don't know me very well, so how do you know I don't have friends or family members who happen to be gay? Didn't your parents ever tell you that you shouldn't say things like that? It's totally rude.

10. And you probably shouldn't follow it up with: "Yeah, I watched this South Park episode once where they changed the meaning of the word "fag" to mean people who ride motorcycles. It was hilarious!" REALLY??? Ummm...would this be a good time to mention that my brother-in-law rides a motorcycle, my cousin rides a motorcycle, my dad used to ride a motorcycle...

11. On a first date with a girl you barely know, you may want to hold off on disclosing things like: "Yeah, I woke up this morning and I was doing the math about my brother's birthday and my parents anniversary, and they just don't add up. I never realized it before, but when I call my sister next week for her birthday, I'm gonna have to talk to her about that." Why, pray tell, did you think it was a good idea to tell me this? Or that it was any of my business? And how on earth are you 27 years old and you haven't figured this out before now? Seriously?

There were lots more gems from the two hours we sat at the little outside table on the street corner, but suffice it to say...

I won't be seeing him again. :)