A Few Hints For the Gentlemen of the World...

I went on a date this weekend. (*gasp* Are you shocked? I kinda am!) I mean, I guess it was a date in that a guy asked me to go to coffee with him and I accepted. I don't know him very well, and even though I wasn't really feeling it with him based on what I did know, I was fairly certain he wasn't a serial killer or anything, and we were meeting at a coffee shop in a public place, so I figured I'd at least make it out alive and I agreed to go. He was nice enough, but I want to share a few pieces of advice I would give him (the italicized words were, more or less, the thoughts running through my head):

1. Might I recommend doing your homework when you pick a place to ask a girl to meet you? I mean, as much fun as it was to sit outside on the busy street corner with all the traffic whizzing by and the high-pitched shrieking sound coming out of the stoplight roughly every three minutes, next time it might be a good idea to check the website and make sure the Starbucks you want to go to actually has seating and isn't a drive-through only. Just sayin'. (Thank goodness the weather was nice!)

2. Complaining incessantly throughout the entire date about the location YOU chose is probably not a good way to make sure we're both having a good time. Okay, I get that the noise from the stoplight is obnoxious, but really? I don't think it's actually piercing into your brain like you've now told me three times.

3. It's kind of awkward if you invite someone to a coffee shop, you show up and don't actually get anything. Thank goodness I got there early and bought my own drink!

4. It's possible that, if you want to make a good impression, the first thing out of your mouth shouldn't be something along the lines of: "You don't seem like someone who's going to like cut off my head and put it in your freezer or something." Sweet. Glad that's not the first thing that comes to mind when you look at me. (WHAT?)

5. And that comment probably shouldn't be followed up with: "Well, I mean, you don't like collect men's hands or anything, right? You're not going to cut off my hand and take it home for your collection? I mean, I do have very delicate hands..." (Again...WHAT?!?)

6. When you don't know a girl very well and you're on a first date with her, knowing she has a Master's degree (for crying out loud), it's probably best not to say: "So, obviously you're finished with school and stuff, so what are your goals now--to just be barefoot and pregnant?" (Ummm...seriously???)

7. The girl with the Master's degree probably isn't going to be very impressed when you tell her that your family places no value on education and your mom told you it was a waste of time and money when YOU decided to get a Master's degree. If she thinks that about her own kid...

8. Generally speaking, it's bad form to say to someone, "I don't even want to ask how much you have in student loans. My dad paid for all my school, but I wouldn't have gone if I had to go into debt for it." So, clearly NOT just your parents who place high value on education, huh? And by the way, I wouldn't take back one second of my college experience, student loans or not. Schmuck.

9. If you don't know someone very well, you probably shouldn't say things like, "I really hate those gay motorcycle riders who think they're so cool they have to take the mufflers off their motorcycles." There are a lot of things wrong with that statement, the most glaring thing being the offensive use of the word "gay." Ummm...you don't know me very well, so how do you know I don't have friends or family members who happen to be gay? Didn't your parents ever tell you that you shouldn't say things like that? It's totally rude.

10. And you probably shouldn't follow it up with: "Yeah, I watched this South Park episode once where they changed the meaning of the word "fag" to mean people who ride motorcycles. It was hilarious!" REALLY??? Ummm...would this be a good time to mention that my brother-in-law rides a motorcycle, my cousin rides a motorcycle, my dad used to ride a motorcycle...

11. On a first date with a girl you barely know, you may want to hold off on disclosing things like: "Yeah, I woke up this morning and I was doing the math about my brother's birthday and my parents anniversary, and they just don't add up. I never realized it before, but when I call my sister next week for her birthday, I'm gonna have to talk to her about that." Why, pray tell, did you think it was a good idea to tell me this? Or that it was any of my business? And how on earth are you 27 years old and you haven't figured this out before now? Seriously?

There were lots more gems from the two hours we sat at the little outside table on the street corner, but suffice it to say...

I won't be seeing him again. :)