...how your life became what it is today? I've been thinking about that a lot lately. If you would have asked me 10 years ago what my life would be like today, I would NEVER have predicted this. If you would have asked me 5 years ago, I don't think I would have predicted this...I probably would have guessed something different TWO years ago. What does that mean???
10 years ago right about now I was on a trip with 11 other AMAZING people to New York City, exploring and seeing shows (LOTS of them!!) and hanging out with people I love and experiencing big city life--and even though I'm not a big city girl, I LOVED IT all!!! It was a huge adventure--one of the first I'd ever embarked on without my family with me--and I had a fantastic time. To this day that trip is one of my favorite experiences I've ever had. (Thanks, Coach!!) I was SO happy.
5 years ago I had just graduated college and was immediately starting graduate school. I was taking 3 intensive classes, meaning that I was in class all day, every day, for about 9 days, and got three classes out of the way just like that. It was an INTENSE week (being in class 12-16 hours a day is exhausting!!), but it was AWESOME!! I was learning about Teambuilding and Leadership, getting introduced to my Master's degree (Organizational Leadership), and really deeply involved in things that completely fascinate me. For that one week, I wasn't working (I took that week off so I could go to school), and I was totally intimidated being a 21-year old graduate student in classes where MOST of the other students were AT LEAST 40+ with LOADS of life/work experience. But again, it was awesome. And I knew in that week I'd made the right decision to get my MOL, because it was something I was totally interested in. Even though there was craziness, I was happy.
2 years ago, I was just about finished with my REACH year (year two of full-time volunteer work), in all-day, every-day music practice, spending hours and hours playing my guitar and singing (and pretending like I knew a little something about playing the electric guitar), and getting ready to run a week-long conference for hundreds of high school students. I was also secretly in love with my best friend (he knew, but no one else did), and looking forward to finally being able to date him as soon as our volunteer commitment was over. I had no idea what I was going to be doing when REACH ended, I had no job prospects and nothing figured out, but I was doing music everyday, hanging out with amazing people, and being in love. You bet I was happy!!
Now, what am I doing? Well, hopefully 2 or 5 or 10 years from now I can look back on this time in my life and think "I was happy..." but sometimes in the moment, it's hard to see that.
I'm currently getting ready to run Vacation Bible School at the church where I work. I won't bore you with the details, but the other day, I had a huge realization that, literally, the most important thing I did the whole day (in like 9 hours of work) was paint a giant lion that will eventually be a wall decoration. Seriously, how did I get here? Now, my boyfriend was very encouraging when I told him about this realization and he tried to help me feel better about my efforts (he had this awesome story about how, in the long run, maybe some kid will realize that s/he is loved or have some realization of God because I put this effort into the giant lion--God bless him!), but while I COMPLETELY get what he was saying, it's still kind of frustrating.
Is this really the best use of my skills and talents? Am I really happy working like CRAZY in a job that pays me so little I can barely afford the gas it takes to get me there every day? It's not about the money for me--it never has been. But I'm not doing music, I'm not traveling, I have nothing to do with leadership, I'm not even directly doing ministry--basically all the things that make life full and enriching for me have no part in my current life...or so it seems. Okay, okay, I think I'm exaggerating a little bit, but the point is, if this isn't where I'm supposed to be, where AM I supposed to be? And what am I supposed to be doing?? I NEVER intended this to be a long-term job for me, which is what keeps me going. And I DO know that the things I do are important in the long run, in terms of helping people come closer to God and know that they are loved, and helping people to understand and embrace their faith, wherever they are right now. I'm not totally unhappy, I promise. I think maybe "unfulfilled" is probably a better description. There are lots of times when I'm happy in my personal life. But "happy" as the overall term for my life right now? I'm not so sure...
And I guess I just really want to know...how did I get here? And what now??
If any of you have any brilliant ideas for me, I'm always open to suggestions...
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