A Tip for Guys (and Everyone Else, Too).

(This photo actually has nothing to do with this post (but I'll try to tie it in).  I just happen to love sea otters, and it thought it was time to post a photo, so this little guy caught my eye.  This is from our trip to the zoo when Erik's sister and brother-in-law came to visit a few weeks ago.  Isn't he cute?!)

Here's my tip: unless someone asks you for advice or input, don't try to fix things.  Don't we all have that urge?  When someone comes to you with a problem, isn't your first thought something like, "Hmmm...well, if I were in this situation..."?  I think a lot of us tend to get into that mode.  I know I do.  But a few years ago I took a class in pastoral counseling, and one of the cardinal rules of counseling is to never try and fix things for the person, never offer advice, just listen.  

Because let's face it: when you're the one with the problem, especially if you happen to be a woman, don't you usually just need to talk about it?  Whenever I have something bugging me or frustrating me, I need (not want) to talk to someone about it.  Notice I said talk to, not talk with.  I do this with my mom all the time.  If I'm frustrated about work or relationships or school or whatever, I'll call her because I need to talk, maybe even vent.  And my mom, God bless her, is awesome about this, but she frequently starts telling me the best way to "fix" whatever my issue might be.  And the conversation usually ends with me saying something along the lines of, "I don't want you to fix it, I just want you to listen and say, 'You know, you're right.  That really sucks.' And I don't want to talk about it anymore." 

Here's a perfect example: a few years ago when I was in Florida working with the Red Cross, I forgot my pillow at the first place we stayed, and I didn't have my pillow with me anymore.  I left it in a different town, and couldn't really go back to get it.  I really, really loved that pillow, and I have a really hard time sleeping if I don't have a good pillow, so when I realized I left it, I was bummed.  But more than that, I'd had a long, difficult day of helping lots of people in crisis, one after another, and I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.  I called my parents to chat with them at the end of the day and tell them how I was doing, and I mentioned how bummed I was that I'd left my pillow in this other town.  My mom had all kinds of great advice about calling the hotel and asking them to send it to me, etc., but to be honest, I didn't want to hear it.  Her advice just frustrated me more!  Finally I said, "Mom, please just tell me that it sucks and don't tell me how to fix it.  I know how to fix it."  So she said, "Gosh, Jen, that really sucks that you don't have your pillow anymore.  Let me know if you need me to help you figure out a way to get it back."  Now THAT was what I needed.

Tonight I was talking with Erik on the phone about some stuff going on with my new job that I've been kind of (okay, really) stressed out about.  He was so awesome.  He listened and listened for a long time, barely said anything, then said, "I'm really sorry about all that.  I know how excited you are about this job, and I know this is really hard for you.  I'm sorry you've had a tough week.  Just remember that you don't have to find ultimate fulfillment in your job--that's what God is for.  It'll be okay."  It was PERFECT, and exactly what I needed to hear.  I just needed someone to understand, to listen, and to commiserate.  He didn't tell me what I should say or how I should fix it, he just listened, agreed, and told me he loves me.  Looks like those communication classes paid off!  :)

So, guys (and everyone else), just remember--if a girl comes to talk with you about something that's bothering you, unless she asks you to help her fix it, chances are she just wants you to listen closely, say, "I'm sorry, that really sucks," and move on.  (There's research to back this up, too!)  Take a tip from our sea otter friend--sit back, relax, and just listen.